Chelle

I'm on some new medicines and feeling a little better. It's funny but it's the heart medication I got put on that is helping me the most. For over a month, I couldn't sleep more than 15 minutes or so at a time from the heart palpitations and atrial fibrillation I was having from my out-of-control metabolism.

My mother always said be careful what you wish for you might get it, I wanted to lose a lot of weight...now I'd kill to gain ten pounds. I refuse to buy size two clothing.

Wednesday morning I go in for my thyroid scan and iodine uptake tests. I get to get my neck scanned for 45 minutes in the morning, then swallow some radiation then get another 45 minute scan 6 hours later then yet another one 24 hours later. Since my tests have been perplexing up to this point, it should determine whether I have a tumor or an auto-immune disease causing my problems. We are pretty sure (99%) that cancer has been ruled out :) but I have my fourth set of blood work coming in any day now as well.

I'm on Spring break now and even with being so sick I've managed to keep doing good at work and school, I haven't done anything else including clean my house, but a girl has to have her priorities right? I bought tickets to a Mudvayne/Shinedown/Trapt/Nonpoint concert down here next month. My goal is to be all better for my row 18 floor seats.

Ciao Babes.

RAVEN - Your daemon may be a member of the crow

family. You are intelligent, observant, and

gregarious. Just as a crow or raven picks

shiny objects out of the dirt, you pick up

tidbits of information or ideas and store

them away. You have a good sense of humour,

but sometimes lose patience with people who

are antipathic to your nature. You are swift

to alert others when you find the truth, and

you have no tolerance for those who would

hide it.


What Is Your Daemon?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	Anime OST
Quiz created with MemeGen!

...

I had some more labs drawn a couple weeks ago at a physical I had done. I just haven't felt well for a long time. Depression and single mom stress was part of it but I wasn't sure it was all of it.

A few anomalous things came up. Things that are in line with the tests and the biopsy I had done a couple months ago, but we had thought we had found the answer too.

So I have to get them repeated then possibly another biopsy and then possibly a brain MRI.

All of the possible problem's side effects mirror depression pretty exactly: insomnia, fatigue, dramatic weight loss, irritability, muscle weakness, pain.

Which isn't a big deal as long as it is a primary problem and not a secondary problem that is being caused by something else. Well anyways nothing to worry about til I get the first battery of tests done in a couple weeks.

Went out last weekend, had some fun. There is a little bar around a few corners from here that has live alternative rock/rock music all the time. I drank too much (go me)Now if I only had night time babysitters more often :P

Going to Boynton Beach with Chris and Jason on Sunday to see his Grandmother. She has metastatic cancer in her liver and her lungs on top a broken sternum from a car accident. There is a big Reunion and she wants us both to be there. I really love that lady. We started off rocky and she became a pillar of support and love for me. All of his family have been.

The thing I respect the most about her, is her absolute honesty. She tells you exactly how it is and exactly how she feels. You always know where you stand with her, for the good and the bad. After being lied to so much in my life and seeing how much people lie every day it's very refreshing.

My son is a Pirate.

Ninjas are sneaky. They accomplish their mayhem through stealth, dexterity and surprise. My son yells at the top of his lungs and pounces with flamboyant brute force and very little in the way of grace.

Ninjas dress with style. They stick to basic black and always coordinate their accessories. My son is learning how to pick out his own clothes. He is VERY attached to his choices; A true pirate that goes for bright flashy colors and likes to wear orange with purple.

Pirates don't bathe. Where ninjas just plain don't smell. Eau de Body Stink would break the art of surprise. My son bathes, but can only stay clean for an hour tops at a time, and as for smell... can we say not potty trained yet, anyone?

Ninjas don't get wounded. They have two modes, kicking ass and very dead. (As opposed to mostly dead where they miraculously get back up after you just think they were dead and kick more ass.) Pirates are riddled and covered with scars, missing eyes and lopped off limbs.

My son, the pirate, has his first war wound. He tried to rip off his own ear today. 6 stitches are holding his ear lobe to the top half of the ear. And he somehow managed to do this in daycare, while sitting in a chair, in timeout, all by himself. We may never know by what misfeat(TM) he accomplished it; There were no sharp edges around, the only metal on the kid's chair itself. No weapons, no evidence remained.

He is perfectly fine though, still has blood splashed over his cheek and neck, in his red and green outfit, wearing blue and grey socks with brown sandals and running around the living room in circles over and over again yelling "Too Infinity and Beyond!"

I may not survive 'til his third birthday.

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins. It’s not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a New Year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope, A new way of living and looking at the world, Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning; But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on too."

I have been insanely busy the last week it seems. The house was an utter catastrophe after the weeks of being sick then leaving for the Virginia trip.
Now it is much closer to a level of clean where I can keep my sanity.

The Virginia trip was a blast, met some truly awesome and wonderful people and got to see people I knew I really miss alot. Marjai's baby is ever so cute, and amazingly calm and quiet. My little boy is much more akin to a tornado. a tornado that woke me at 5 am this morning and won't let me go back to bed for that precious 45 minutes.

School is going well one test and two quizzes down and all A's so far. I have to start working on my research paper soon. Only 7 pages, but writing papers and actually thinking they are good enough to turn in are my bane, so I really need to start this one early. I think I'm going to do Piaget and an aspect of his theory of early childhood development. Maybe it will help me be a better Mommy.

Yesterday was my 5 month dis-anniversary. Time for some reflection.

The good.
I'm stronger and can do things I never thought I was capable of. I have a new full time job, I'm excelling at 8 credits of school, and keeping the single mommy thing together ok.

I have lost all the extra pregnancy weight, and am a reasonably attractive person again.

I'm learning to take time for myself, and do a few frivolous selfish things just for me, every now and then.

I'm going to be ok.

The bad.
In 5 months since Chris has been gone, with his girlfriend supporting him and him paying no household expenses to her at all, he has increased his personal debt by $11,000 so now he personally owes over $81,000 in car, student loan and three credit cards. This worries me since I am just making it with the amount of alimony and child support I'm receiving now. If he decreases what he is giving me I'll have to quit school and I'm already using the $3000 I had in savings to fund that as it is.

My condo needs a good $10,000 dumped into it. My AC is going to die at any minute and the roof really needs to be replaced, before next hurricane season.

Chris and I are still very attracted to each other. He says I deserve so so much better then him and I can tell he really means it, What does that say about what he thinks of his current girlfriend? I don't have a lot of willpower where Chris is concerned, I still too in love with him.

I'm still not ready to date.

Meme from Internetville :
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find.
Do what's actually next to you.

My page 123 :
"Except for hyaluronic acid, the GAGs are associated with proteins called proteoglycans"


I leave for my Virginia trip in two days!!!!!

oh and p.s. I blew off the guy who had been asking me out for a date off he may of been a dead ringer for Colin Farrell, but his personality was too and he doesn't even like computers.

Eight things I plan to do before I kick the can:
1. see Linkin Park perform live.
2. see a Broadway musical on Broadway.
3. conquer my extreme fear of heights by standing atop the Empire State Building.
4. learn how to play guitar.
5. sunbathe on the beaches of Hawaii or Australia.
6. go to a major gaming convention, ie Origens Gencon DragonCon etc.
7. have a romantic dinner near the space needle.
8. watch my son graduate, multiple times.

I couldn't narrow it down any farther


Seven things I can do:
1. Sing jazz, well.
2. counted cross stitch and costume design
3. Drive!
4. Establish Lymphoblast cells lines using EBV with a 95% success rate
5. Not beat my child even under extreme pressure
6. Pilates
7. I am, and ever will be, a succubi.

Seven things I can't do:
1. Karate, getting my green belt was traumatic
2. Express myself articulately
3. speak a foreign language
4. understand force based physics
5. be wrong
6. a split
7. own a dog

Seven things that attract me to another person:
1. Intelligence
2. love of computers/comics/gaming
3. ambition
4. innate chemistry
5. sense of humor
6. muscle tone
7. attractiveness (at least I'm honest)

Seven things I say most often:
1. To Infinity and Beyond!
2. baby, baby
3. Where's bunky?
4. Hey you!
5. pleeeeeeeeeeease
6. mine, mine, mine
7. Jason, NO!

Lets see...I'll tag:
Chris...it would be good for you

Christmas was wonderful except for the onset of the puking plague that Santa Brought Jason and I.

Family was all good and ironically, Chris really, really, really spoiled me. But not as much as Jason was spoiled by everyone. What two year old needs his own TV with DVD player? It's tough being the only grandson.

not a bad New Year's Resolution... I'll have to work on it

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Be kinky more often. Get your resolution here

Almost have all my Christmas shopping done!!! I just have to get my grandmother and Chris' grandmother a present.

Chris and I went a whole week without a single fight and he was terribly sweet last night. He offered to babysit our 2 year old niece, Guinevere, as well as Jason, last night so my sister Cat and I could go out shopping, getting coffee and go see the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Watching those two together is quite the handful.


Glorious movie. Tilda Swinton has the same quality of etherealness in this movie as she did in Constantine. Casting of the children was amazingly well done as well. Don't want to say anything else too spoilerish.

My Mother-in-Law is coming to spend the day with Jason and I, we decided we would let Chris come over too :P so a quick mopping of the whole downstairs is next on the list.

Being happy is nice.

Well the semester is over and the holiday season is upon us.

I have been hired full time by the medical center the temp agency had placed me with, and learned at the same time that the boss considers me the head of my little department of 8 people... not bad for only 3 months there. Next year maybe I should take over the USA? hmmmmm

Been catching up on old Alias episodes, they are campy, but kind of fun. I'm half way through season 2 right now. Also have been watching an anime called Trinity Blood and I'm downloading Tsubasa Chronicles now.


Ended up registering for 8 credits next semester, so my life will be a little busy once January starts. I'll be skipping a class to go up and do non-girly girly things and hopefully go out and have lots and lots of FUN with my old roomie PRG in Virginia and hopefully get to say hi to all the other peeps I know too like Toxins and Marjai (I'll bring baby pics, I tried to make a web page and it looked like it was just going to be too time intensive for me right now)
The working full time, going to school half time, and being a single mom thing is straining me to the breaking point.

My depression and angst over the failure of my marriage is getting worse, I lost more weight and had to work real hard to gain 5 pounds since my size 4's were baggy. I have utterly no self esteem anymore and I'm not sure how one goes around rebuilding it. I had what I thought was the love of my life and my soul mate and he left me, while I was in a state of depression in the first place, for another women. A woman who I can't help but compare myself too, I think that it is natural for someone in my position to do so.

I sometimes feel like Chris gets mad at me for not being happy for him, and for not being happy that he is moving on with his life. He doesn't understand why this hurts me so much, why I cried when he told me he is going to spend Christmas with her and her family. None of whom of course will ever know anything about the truth of their relationship. I'll never even know that.

And now he wants to take my child, the only thing I have left, and have her be a major part of his life. He doesn't understand my trepidation. She intentionally pursued a married man, alienating affection. I'm scared she will alienate my child's affection too and I will have nothing. Everything I love is slowly being taken away from me by her. I'm trying to be open minded and nice and do what's best for Jason, but I'm just scared and my heart is trampled into a million little pieces and it is so easy to blame her.


I still am in love with him. But I would never get back in a relationship with him. I truly think he is incapable of being faithful or honest in a relationship. This wasn't his first affair. He is just going to cause heart ache all around for quite sometime. He has to learn how to tell the truth to others.


Thanksgiving was the three month anniversary of him moving out of our house and into his girlfriend's house, We had been living together since February 6, 1997. I remember the day he came over and sat down on the bed next to me and looked at the floor and quietly said. "I'm in love with you..." It's funny, looking back on things I don't think he had broken up when Susan like he told me he had when we started dating, so history does always repeat itself I guess.

blah this is why I don't post much anymore.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13
If I speak in the tongues of men and angels,
but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.

And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.

And if I dole out all my goods, and
if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.

Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth


It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.

Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part.

But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded.

When I was an infant,
I spoke as an infant,
I reckoned as an infant;

when I became [an adult],
I abolished the things of the infant.

For now we see through a mirror in an enigma, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know as also I was fully known.

But now remains
faith, hope, love,

these three;

but the greatest of these is love.

Been awhile since I updated, life has been busy.


Finally stopped the weight loss. I'm holding steady at 128-130 I don't think I have ever had size 5 be baggy on me before.

Went to the parent's wedding reception. I got the most incredible dress to wear to it. It is a cross between a flapper dress and a fairy handkerchief skirt, in a sea foam green with bands of hand-sewn beadwork, very tastefully done. Tres Kewl. Spent the night hanging with my beloved cousin Wendy. I really wish she lived closer. We have been talking on the phone and trading emails :)

Still have my A in my Anatomy class and my seminar. Only two more tests to go and I get to drop one of those as well. Trying to decide if I'm going to take Human development (3 credits) and Anatomy II (5 credits)next semester or just Anatomy II. I'm already away from Jason 10 hours a day on a non school day and when I go to school thats another three...

Now that the latest test and wedding frenzy is over I have my PRG homework to do. Thanks for the book Hon, and by the way, I liked the second D & D movie. It was the totally perfect B film. I have a soft spot for Cheesy B's. Say thanks and Hi for me.

Took Jason up to Tampa last weekend to visit Chris' mom. Hurricane messed up our plans to do that last month. We took Jason to Lowery Zoo. He loved the monkeys and the giant pythons. He had no interest in the 3 week old baby elephant I adored. Visit went well, but made me very melancholy.

Made me realize that I will probably always miss Chris and I will always love him. It just isn't going to be easy for me to move on. I just hope that he is able to find what he needs to be happy and I can as well. I can tell he is utterly miserable now and it's funny how much that hurts me. Holiday season without him is going to be really rough.

We are going to stay separated for a year or two. We talked it out and there isn't any reason for us to rush into a divorce.

I have been waxing philosophical alot in my own mind, but I am not a good enough writer to ever get anything down on paper (monitor?) the way I want it. Or I am just too much the perfectionist.

Harry Potter soon! and the new Pride and Prejudice with Tom from Spooks! (What can I say I am a closet Jane Austen Anglophile)

I just got my power back today at 3:30pm after Wilma stole it Monday at 2am.

I am fine. Jason is fine. I still have a job to go back to tomorrow morning at 7 am. The condo is mostly fine. I lost half of two enormous trees, a few shingles on the side of my roof and a screen to a upstairs balcony sliding glass door. And well of course all the food in my freezer and fridge. This was the scary part of being an actual homeowner.

My poor parents, they are hearing that they might not get power back until Nov 8th to 14th-ish. The eye only passed ~10 miles south of them and they are hiking distance to the ocean, but their house and things are mostly ok. Sisters are all well too, for those that know them.

Life is good.

Been pretty busy with school and work and Mommy stuffs.

Going up to Tampa the last weekend of the month to visit with Chris' Mom. Give her some quality time with her grandson.

Had a very nice weekend.

I'm a pretty honest person. I have ethics. I'm not used to having to hide my emotions and actions. I don't do anything I have to be ashamed of or hide. I'm not perfect, but I'm not malicious either. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt another person. I would never do something or behave in a way that I thought would utterly destroy someone else's life. I'm just not that innately selfish.


Chris has requested that my Live Journal be friends only access from now on. So if anyone actually wants access just tack on a note.

My two cats are incredibly mighty hunters. Every morning I wake to find the carcasses of the dreaded and wild beanie babies scattered along the floors and stairs. (The same ones that were safely put on their shelves before we went to bed the night before.) Keme actually sneaks into Jason's toy chest and pushes the buttons on all the noise making toys...usually around 3 in the morning.

Hurricane mostly missed us went 40 miles south of where we are in the middle of the night. So I made it to my Dr's appt. safely to get told they think I should be on Zoloft for the next 6 months. All hail the pharmaceutical industry.

One of my favorite authors is a little known writer in the Fantasy field named Michelle West. (Or Michelle Sagara or Michelle Sagara West) Her main setting is incredibly rich and involved, with a tapestry of past events similar to Tolkien that are hinted at, then slowly unfolded in tantalizing little tidbits. She also has problems keeping books under 700 pages which pleases me as well.

There is a pantheon of Gods in the book and the Goddess of Luck is named Kalliaris. The most common oath in the book is actually, "When Kalliaris smiles..." which is a prayer for good fortune. I don't know why that has always struck me but I like the idea of Karma. And that people get what they deserve, that there is some sort of cosmic accountibility somewhere. Though I think people do have to work to make their own luck as well.

Kalliaris ain't smiling no more, she's pissed off.

I drove the car to the store last night! That may not seem like a big deal to some but I really have a bad phobia about driving. Going to try and drive somewhere everyday over the weekend.

Well it's done. Registered at Edison college for a 6 credit Anatomy and physiology class (with lab). Cool thing about it is I go to class from 9am-2pm Saturday, so I don't have to find a babysitter.

I'll have about another 15 hours of Pre reqs to take after that, then I'll be ready to apply for a Nursing program.

Just have to decide if I want to go the BSN route through Gulfcoast, get the RN license from Edison, then do a accelerated learning thing from FSU part time afterwords to get the BSN later.


EWWWWWWW FSU

Bought a new dryer last night as well. It's going to get delivered Friday I'm hoping to be able to hold out that long with the kid-lets. So that was a quick 1000 out of savings between the two. The AC just needs to hold on for one more month.